Saturday, November 23, 2013

I PROMISE TO WITNESS

Why do you think people marry?  This was the question that Susan Sarandan asked of the private eye that she had hired to follow her husband in the movie Shall We Dance.

He said “romance?”





She then gave one of the most succinct and unvarnished views that I had ever heard.  Most people marry to have the other person fulfill their needs.  There are huge expectations of behavior, many not conscious.





Here is her answer:  "Because we need a witness to our lives.  There’s a billion people on the planet…what does one life mean?  But in a marriage, you are promising to care about everything… the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things…all of it, all the time, every day.  You are saying ‘your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it.  Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness’".

If we were able to bring this idea to the process of dating and looking at our long-term spouses, I suspect there would be less divorce and certainly less disappointments and less of a drive to turn your mate into someone of which you approve. What if we thought of marriage as the building of a safe enough container so that each person would be supported in their journey to self.  One in which we agree and promise to witness and notice each other.  



What if you looked at a possible mate and said…Could I spend the rest of my life witnessing and noticing this person?  Could I make it safe enough for them to become who they need to?  Could I take good enough care of myself so that I would have the energy and stability to  be that noticed and witness?  Can I create safety in this relationship?  Am I mature enough and well balanced enough to pay attention to another living being in a loving way?  Can I keep my selfishness to a minimum?  Can I use my support system to fill up my own basket so that I have things to bring into the container of the marriage?  Am I brave enough to work at my own path and struggle with my own demons and not blame my partner for my own obstacles and fears?  Am I whole enough to care for another person enough to witness their life without judgement and notice who they are on a daily basis?



             Maybe these are the new questions.  

Notice how the shift is to what I can bring to the party, not how they are going to make my life wonderful.

Have a grateful holiday week and "Be careful out there English."  from the movie…………wait for it……..WITNESS



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