There
is that old joke from the old Odd Couple show where Felix tells Oscar that “to
assume is to make an ASS out of you (U) and ME”. In our minds it is easy for us to make cause and effect
assumptions about things. Often
the reality is that there is nothing that holds those ideas together EXCEPT our
own thinking. We think that our
view of something has taken in all the alternative reasons or explanations that
exist.
I could
assume that Joe Blow is being selfish
or controlling with me. And/or
I could assume that I give up my power and am a victim in that same situation. We ASSUME that our view of things is the ONLY view. It certainly could be the case,
but how often do we really experience another person who is able to weigh
multiple points of view, inventory themselves instead of others and do be so accurate
as to make 10 people who know them agree on everything they said. Nope, me neither.
If you look at your assumptions as
being at the center of a pie, what you see is a pie shape expanding as it moves
away from you. You would need to
turn and look and turn and look and turn and look and turn and look to
eventually see the whole horizon.
Repetition
is very powerful, and how often do we say the very same things over and over
about a partner or spouse. I don’t
know about you, but I can be influenced by the sound of repeating words… Isn’t it why politicians pay enormous
amounts of money to tell us things about themselves and their opponents over
and over again?
So not
only do we make assumptions and then hold on to them like they are TRUTH, but
then we repeat them to ourselves, again and again, until we cannot imagine that
there exists another way to see
this situation. You might try making a list of the the things you have said about your spouse/or partner many times.
Let’s
go back to Joe Blow. Now maybe he is
being selfish and I give up my power and am unhappy…..maybe. But what if I am controlling? What if I
am just unhappy when I don’t get MY way.
What if I identify myself as victim and then I get an opportunity of get
sympathy and have reason to justify my cynicism and closed heart? What if I don’t know how to negotiate
to WIN/WIN, but persist in seeing the world as always being WIN/LOSE? What if I have not developed a
persistent sense of gratitude and despite having money, freedom, health and/or…….??? And I don’t ever feel like I have enough or get my way enough?
Of
course, if we are in abusive relationships where our freedom to act is
diminished or we have lost personal power and have subjugated ourselves to a
relationship in which our needs are not getting met in a consistent manner and
we have sought out unbiased feedback and all
attempts have been made to learn our lessons as a couple and as
individuals, yes, then take those beliefs and let them lead you out of the
relationship, but, just for a moment consider that pie. Consider how much perspective you
really have .
I would
encourage you that have persistent beliefs around who you are, and who you
believe others to be to actually stop for a moment. Stop and turn so that you can see something else. You can always turn back to your
snuggly little spot that you have been creating for decades. But with each of your assumptions, take
the time to try and write on a piece of paper ten OTHER reasons why what you are seeing is happening. Make sure that half of those have to do with what you might
not be seeing. Ask for feedback.
Listen to the answers. Do not try
to argue or lobby with your feedback person, or try to convince them into believing your
perspective. Just when you
begin to feel uncomfortable with the answer that they are giving you, say…. “TELL
ME MORE !” Now try it again with
someone else. Learn to ask “WHAT
AM I NOT SEEING HERE?”
Today
is Easter 2015. For many people it
is a religious holiday around rebirth.
I encourage you to consider unearthing some of your own rigid
assumptions out of the inner caves of your personality, and rise, rise to
something beyond that.
Blessings. Misty
4/5/15
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